Sad Friend

Tonight, I encountered an old friend online. She was sad and depressed because she's got no significant other in her life, and no prospects of one. Now, this girl is beautiful. She's bright, fun, active, independent - she's got a lot going for her. But she's, shall we say, discerning (read, picky - just like me) and hasn't been able to find someone who meets her standards where it hasn't fallen apart. I know exactly she she is and where she's been. Been through it all myself. Didn't know what to say. A therapist once said to me, "Loneliness is hard." In other words, there isn't much anyone else can do for someone who is lonely.

I wish this friend and I lived closer. We could be there for each other. I miss her. And I would like to be there for her. It would be nice for me, too, to have her company again.

I tried to talk her into considering moving back here. There are lots more people here, and so maybe more opportunities for her to meet people. She wasn't into it. Too bad. But, we may vacation together this summer. I'm hoping it works out. What we're planning will be expensive, but I hope we can work it out anyway. It would be great fun.

Sorry this isn't more inspired. Gotta try and get the fire going again - it's out. :-(

Old Time Religion

I am always amazed to learn that friends - current, old, or half-forgotten ones - are seriously engaged in religion. I'm not talking about those that just go to church on Sunday - although that does surprise me about SOME of them, but not the typical straight, married friends. (The latter are conformists in many ways - this is just another way they follow.) No, I'm referring to friends I would never have thought would be active in any church. Some of them actually speak about loving Jesus. I can think of two friends off the top of my head who fit this category. And a third if I count a high school classmate that I was not really good friends with, but whose image in my mind is completely antithetical to the dutiful church-goer. I also have at least two friends whose daughters are involved in missionary work. They don't seem like the missionary type - at all - yet they seem to be.

I can't help but wonder, what are they thinking? I don't know why I feel this way. True, I don't really believe in God and I certainly don't believe in the church, but these are people I respect so I'm not sure why I am so skeptical about this aspect of them. I think it has more to do with my feelings about organized religion than it does with belief in God in general. OK, that statement may not be completely honest. I guess I feel like most truly intelligent people would be more inclined not to believe in God. They would at least have to question it. Beyond that, I don't have positive feelings about organized religion because it's at the root of many of our social problems not just now, but throughout history. It's been the cause of wars since the beginning of mankind. Today, religion is used to persecute and revile gay people. It is the foundation of a lot of bigotry and hatred. I can't understand how people with whom I feel (or felt) a strong bond, based on I suppose some sort of common values, could feel so differently from me on this subject.

One former co-worker I've recently reconnected with on Facebook has made some postings that really got my attention. Under her "interests," she lists Jesus. Under "favorite quotations," it says: John 16:33 " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Yeah Jesus!!! Then on the "25 Random Things," she says: "Love God. Want to be a better follower of Him." All of this floors me. This does not sound like the same girl I once knew.

I have another friend whose transformation is no less stunning. She is seriously into her church. Does a LOT of things for and involving the church. At least it's not some born-again, charismatic church. It's more traditional. But still. I just don't get it.

I wish I understood what is up with all these people. People who didn't have religion before have suddenly gotten it - big time. Were their lives so empty that they had to fill the void with something so completely outside of who they once were? That may sound cynical - and it probably is - but it's how it seems to me.

Again, in the name of honesty and full disclosure, I should say that in many ways, I envy them. I envy them their faith and belief in a higher power. It must be comforting. But I can't help but feel it's naive.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand.

One Is the Loneliest Number

Often on my way to work, I see pairs of birds - usually doves - sitting on power lines. My grandmother told me that they mate for life. When I see these pairs of doves, it makes me think of how the entire world seems paired, while I am alone. Oh I know, I know. Poor, poor pitiful me. Morose. Self-pity. All of that. But I still feel it - the feeling of being different, of being an outsider because I don't have a mate, a partner, a significant other.

I know lots of people who are alone, but most of them - my mother, my sister, my friend Debby - are alone because their mates died. It's not like they never had a mate, a husband, whatever... at all. Like me. Oh I've had relationships. None last more than four years. To me, they don't count. I never really had a life partner.

Oh don't get the wrong idea. I don't dwell on this a lot these days. There was a time when I did, though. From my mid-30s until I was 41 and met T, I was consumed with the fact that I was alone when my friends seemed all coupled. I had a desperate fear that I would wind up alone if I didn't hurry up and find a girlfriend while I was still young enough to attract someone. I was so obsessed by it that I got really depressed and had to start taking Prozac. My fears were only confirmed when one girl I really liked told me she couldn't even consider a relationship with me because I was too old for her. (She didn't put it quite that bluntly, but it wasn't too far from that.) I was 37 at the time and at my peak of attractiveness.

Anyway, I did dwell on it on those days. Even lost my faith over it. I prayed and prayed every day for God to, as Joni Mitchell said, "send me somebody who's strong and somewhat sincere." But she never came, and so I gave up talking to God or even believing in him.

I thought about this a lot back then, but for the most part, I haven't thought much about it for quite some time. Until I started seeing those damn birds.

A New Day

Until now, I have been blogging on MySpace. But I hear that MySpace is just for kids. I'm certainly no kid. Plus, since some people know about my MySpace blog, it's not truly anonymous and I find myself censoring my bloggings, and the whole point is to be able to freely say whatever the hell I want to, right? So I've started this blog under a new pseudonym where nobody will know who I am.

I kinda have to get to work right now so I must end this rather inauspicious inaugural entry. But there will be more to come.